It turned out that sparring with Sheena was exactly what Lloyd had needed to compose himself again. They kept it friendly, a melee spar with the intention of leaving no lasting bruises but working to get the stressed energy out of their bodies, to lessen the tension in their shoulders. It worked perfectly, left Lloyd feeling the determined adrenaline pumping through his veins, and it's with a large grin that he high fives Sheena, suddenly very glad he thought to wrap his injured knuckles before sparring.
Lloyd takes a look at his hands, at the way they shake after the strain they just took on, at the red that bleeds through his bandages, and thinks, with a frown, that it may be time to replace them. He wouldn't be surprised if the his previously-closed wounds on his knuckles might have reopened while fighting Sheena, but. Still, that was kinda sloppy on his part.
So he stands from by the campfire and looks for Malos, who Lloyd knows is carrying the medical supplies, but he can't spot him. He can't spot Anna either, which is weird, but he takes it in stride, wondering a little further from the campsite, a little deeper into the neck of the forest.
And then he hears voices. Malos and Anna's voices, to be precise. Things seem to be a little more on the argument side, so he's stepping away from behind a tree, deciding it might be best to let them talk out whatever's going on and ask for the bandages later. He'll just wait for them to return to the campsite.
And then Lloyd hears his name and his movement stalls. He stops breathing, enhancing his hearing on instinct, because why are they talking about him?
Malos's voice rises above the din of a forested night. 'You mean you're OKAY with the fact that he's never going to know who we are?!’
Oh. Oh no, oh no no no.
The composure Sheena beat into him falls away like a landslide, shallow and fragile like glass, and his eyes widen as he realizes that they're not talking about him, they're talking about their Lloyd, the one who they haven't.
The one who they haven't seen in five years.
Five fucking years.
Is it a universal constant that Lloyd's parents are never around? That they either die or disappear or just refuse to stick around for him? Because hearing it once sucked, experiencing it twice was worse, but seeing the mom he never got to have hesitate when confronted with the consequences of her abandonment.
It's agonizing. His heart aches so painfully, pins and needles of they never loved you, you were always a disappointment, a burden burning into his soul like the brands Dirk soldered into his creations, like the scorching, furious heat that was left behind by a lightning strike that hit just a little too close to him in the Temple of Lightning.
And then Anna's excusing herself again, and even though Lloyd understands where she's coming from, logically, all he can hear - all he can see -
Goodbye, dad.
I let him go. Is that alright, mom?
He's heard enough.
Tears burning in his eyes, bile rushing to his throat, he quietly sneaks out from behind the trees once more, starts walking towards the campsite. He's heard enough, he's heard enough, he's heard enough.
The confirmation that his fears were well-founded, that he was the reason why Kratos left, and had his mother lived, she probably would have left him too - they feel worse than the broken ribs Kratos’ knee to the abdomen had left him with.
Lloyd is drowning in the weight of his own mind, of the self-contempt he feels draw deep from within his consciousness. He's here for Sheena, to free this Colette, to save this Zelos, and then he'll find his way back home and live his life out alone. He's holding them back, everyone he loves.
You're a burden the shadows of his mind whisper, look at you, can't even handle the truth without breaking.
Lloyd stops in his tracks, leaning his back against a random tree, and swallows a sob. He's being a child. He's throwing a tantrum. He's going to embarrass himself and Sheena and everyone around him. It's no wonder his own parents didn't want him.
His own parents never wanted him. It tastes like poison slipping down his throat, but he takes in the taste anyways because it's easier to digest than the root of the matter, which points to Lloyd Irving being a disgrace.
no subject
Lloyd takes a look at his hands, at the way they shake after the strain they just took on, at the red that bleeds through his bandages, and thinks, with a frown, that it may be time to replace them. He wouldn't be surprised if the his previously-closed wounds on his knuckles might have reopened while fighting Sheena, but. Still, that was kinda sloppy on his part.
So he stands from by the campfire and looks for Malos, who Lloyd knows is carrying the medical supplies, but he can't spot him. He can't spot Anna either, which is weird, but he takes it in stride, wondering a little further from the campsite, a little deeper into the neck of the forest.
And then he hears voices. Malos and Anna's voices, to be precise. Things seem to be a little more on the argument side, so he's stepping away from behind a tree, deciding it might be best to let them talk out whatever's going on and ask for the bandages later. He'll just wait for them to return to the campsite.
And then Lloyd hears his name and his movement stalls. He stops breathing, enhancing his hearing on instinct, because why are they talking about him?
Malos's voice rises above the din of a forested night. 'You mean you're OKAY with the fact that he's never going to know who we are?!’
Oh. Oh no, oh no no no.
The composure Sheena beat into him falls away like a landslide, shallow and fragile like glass, and his eyes widen as he realizes that they're not talking about him, they're talking about their Lloyd, the one who they haven't.
The one who they haven't seen in five years.
Five fucking years.
Is it a universal constant that Lloyd's parents are never around? That they either die or disappear or just refuse to stick around for him? Because hearing it once sucked, experiencing it twice was worse, but seeing the mom he never got to have hesitate when confronted with the consequences of her abandonment.
It's agonizing. His heart aches so painfully, pins and needles of they never loved you, you were always a disappointment, a burden burning into his soul like the brands Dirk soldered into his creations, like the scorching, furious heat that was left behind by a lightning strike that hit just a little too close to him in the Temple of Lightning.
And then Anna's excusing herself again, and even though Lloyd understands where she's coming from, logically, all he can hear - all he can see -
Goodbye, dad.
I let him go. Is that alright, mom?
He's heard enough.
Tears burning in his eyes, bile rushing to his throat, he quietly sneaks out from behind the trees once more, starts walking towards the campsite. He's heard enough, he's heard enough, he's heard enough.
The confirmation that his fears were well-founded, that he was the reason why Kratos left, and had his mother lived, she probably would have left him too - they feel worse than the broken ribs Kratos’ knee to the abdomen had left him with.
Lloyd is drowning in the weight of his own mind, of the self-contempt he feels draw deep from within his consciousness. He's here for Sheena, to free this Colette, to save this Zelos, and then he'll find his way back home and live his life out alone. He's holding them back, everyone he loves.
You're a burden the shadows of his mind whisper, look at you, can't even handle the truth without breaking.
Lloyd stops in his tracks, leaning his back against a random tree, and swallows a sob. He's being a child. He's throwing a tantrum. He's going to embarrass himself and Sheena and everyone around him. It's no wonder his own parents didn't want him.
His own parents never wanted him. It tastes like poison slipping down his throat, but he takes in the taste anyways because it's easier to digest than the root of the matter, which points to Lloyd Irving being a disgrace.