i just wanna know: who broke it?

[summonerd]

[Sheena'd thought she was all done with dimensional travel, now that the two worlds were united. But here she is, having fallen asleep in one world and woken up in a Tethe'alla that's just different enough from the one she knows to be constantly jarring. Her connections to Aselia's summon spirits dangle loose, snapped by distance - not even Origin's power could follow her here, it seems. That's more than a little unsettling.

It takes her some time, alone in a bizarro version of Meltokio as she is, but eventually she stumbles on a lead - an old scientific journal, a mention of the power of something called an Aegis being able to transcend space and time, at least in theory. And a little asking around tells her that Tethe'alla has its own Aegis, though no one's seen it for years. Well. Worth a shot, right?

Somehow she manages to talk her way into the Tethe'allan castle where the Aegis's core crystal awaits being woken up, with a series of smiles and her very best politicking - yes, of course she's got nothing but loyalty for Tethe'alla, of course she's skilled at this, of course it'd be a great honor.

(Zelos would be proud, she thinks, wryly.)

They're dubious, but her persistence wears them down, or maybe they're just desperate enough for a return of the Aegis's power to let her try, and the orange core crystal is offered out to her.

She takes a deep breath, and reaches out to touch it.]

Comments

[risingfalcon]

The idea of not knowing Colette, his best friend for fourteen years, is laughable, but Lloyd is not really in the mood to chuckle. Instead, he sighs, trying to ignore his anger enough to explain how Sheena and he would know her, and crosses his arms, jaw still tight where he's clenching it. "In our universe," he starts, "Colette and Zelos, they - they held similar... positions in society. Similar powers and whatnot. It's not hard to guess that that'd be reflected in this world."

He pauses. Lloyd's really not happy that this is how he learns of this world's Colette's existence, and he can only imagine how Sheena feels about all of this. (He knows how close they got in the weeks towards the end of their journey, knows how they delayed the obvious in order to cope with the onslaught of grief the Tower of Salvation left them with. He really hopes he can get Sheena home soon, because he misses Colette more than words can describe himself, but he knows what it's like to miss the one you're in love with.)

Determined, justified anger pumps through his body, and he's left shifting his weight from foot to foot in order to Not Be Standing Still. He wants to get Colette out of those bastards' hands, wants her away from the canons and away from anyone who can hurt her. But to do that, they need a plan, and he needs more information.

"Mom," Lloyd says, ignoring how he forces the word out of his mouth, the way it feels both familiar and not. "Where's this canon?"

[summonerd]

Sheena nods in agreement to Lloyd's explanation, gaze drifting to her hand resting on the table as she clenches it into a fist. The anger burning in her gut cuts through the remnants of the ghost of Zelos's trauma, at least. She wrenches her thoughts away from the prospect of Colette, stuffed into a cannon, wires under her skin, as best she can - planning is better, and she needs that distraction.

"We'll probably need a way to destroy them, too. I doubt we'll be lucky enough for them to have self-destructs like the ranches did." Not that she or Lloyd would likely know how to set them off if there were, but without summon spirits or the Eternal Sword, there's not that much the two of them can do to actual buildings. Maybe Zelos can light them on fire. (The question of whether or not Zelos would be willing to come along doesn't even occur to her - of course he will? It's Colette???)

[ilivedbitches]

Anna listens as Lloyd explains. It's-- kind of weird, the notion of there being Aegises-who-aren't-Aegises. People who society treats the same-- like what? A weapon, instead of a person? Or something different?

Anna isn't sure she wants to know.

Lloyd firmly calling her Mom gets her attention, and the severity of his tone startles her into answering.

"Triet," she says, immediately. "Sylvarant's cannon is in Triet. Which is... pretty far from where we are now, and pretty far out of our way, besides." It's... three weeks, on foot? They might be able to catch a train or two, especially once in Sylvarant, but that's still a ways away.

Not that... Anna really thinks she can deter them. She knows the look in their eyes, knows it intimately. Whoever Colette is to them, she's family. They aren't going to go anywhere until she's safe.

"There's a chance Colette's not even with the cannon," Anna warns them. "...Though it probably is the best place to start. If we destroy it before we find her, at least they can't hurt her with it."

They certainly aren't going to be able to figure out if Colette's elsewhere while they're in Tethe'alla, anyway.

"We should tell Zelos and Malos the change of plans."

(And if Zelos doesn't want to go? Well, Mithos is is on the way to Sylvarant. They can drop Zelos off with him while they go save Colette. Kratos probably has a better idea about what to do with the cannons, anyway.)

[summonerd]

"Right," says Sheena. "If it'll keep her safer, it's good enough for now." If she has to tear Sylvarant apart to find Colette, afterward? That can be arranged. Sheena pushes herself to her feet, one hand on the back of the chair.

"Good idea. I can go get them," she offers. Zelos is already outside - it's not like her being out there for a minute will make it any more dangerous. But doing something about the situation will make her feel better anyway, she thinks, even if it's just collecting the rest of their party. Unless either Lloyd or Anna have any objections, she'll step between them, making her way outside the way Malos and Zelos had left.

It's bright out, and the two of them would be hard to miss, especially with the way the morning sun catches Zelos's hair. Taking care to make sure her approach isn't too quiet, she approaches. "Hey," she says, more to catch their attention than anything. "We're...done with the history lesson. You ready to come back in?"

Hey you ever hear the quiet version of City Ruins

[presidentheartbeat]

Just stepping outside seems to be a good enough strategy to calm the raging storm of disgust and anger circulating in Zelos's veins, at least, and within a few minutes of just standing under the blue sky and breathing in the air Zelos starts to find himself again, starts to rebuild the blank mask that the memory of the cannon fire shattered in the dining room. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, clenches and unclenches his fists, releases the air in his lungs, lets it join the wind again. Feels his ether flow, feels the world's ether turn. Breathes. Once, twice, again and again, a little mantra, a little ritual, a little safety rope back from the land of memoria.

So it goes, so it comes.

It's okay.

At least Malos hasn't spoken, Zelos thinks as he opens his eyes again, and with that simple thought he then decides to stop caring about the blade and completely dismisses him from his thoughts. He breathes. Ignores the fact that Malos knew exactly what to do, and what that implies. But. It's fine, it's fine. Don't think about it now. Breathe. Zelos can probably bullshit his way out of the eventual embarrassment he's bound to feel about being babied through a simple history talk just because it mentioned something he doesn't like later. It'll be fine. He can do that.

Breathe in, breathe out. It's not long until Zelos gets sick of standing. Thoughts still whirling, but feeling less like a tornado and now more like a simple gust of wind picking up dirt, he walks off to a patch of grass and sits. Face carefully blank as he finishes stitching the mask back together, numb to the core after the boiling emotional outburst has somewhat passed, Zelos just... sits. Pulls his gloves off with little fanfare and sets them next to himself. Breathes. Lets the push and pull of the gentle wind play with his hair, feels the way it graces his bare arms, lets his mind focus on the motions of it as he leans back on his palms and stares at the early morning clouds, lets his naked fingers thread the grass.

He stays there, completely immobile, completely still. Tries to pretend that somehow, like this, he can feel peace. That it's not dangerous that he's showing his ether lines. That this is eternal, that he won't have to go back inside.

Breathes.

Breathes.

Breathes, until the ether in the air changes, until it carries close something ancient he's strangely starting to recognize.

Well, the good thing about the blank mask is he can paint it with whatever he needs any time, for whatever reason he requires. So as soon as Sheena's close enough Zelos runs a stroke of playful over the mouth, hardens his eyes with something that looks amused and annoyed, leaning back further on his palms and throwing his head back rather than twisting to greet her properly. It is all a show, after all, with him the pretty dancing doll.

Despite the clenching of his fingers on the grass, it's phantoms of decadence, nonchalance, and smooth aggravation that move his body, pull the little snort out of his lungs. And once Sheena speaks, he adds petulance to the mix. "Awwwww, so soon?" he drawls out, both eyebrows raised and a pout on his lips. "But it's so nice out here! How about you guys come here instead? Have a picnic like we're not a pack of wild criminals on the loose."

eats your prose for power

[summonerd]

She should be more patient, after the reaction he just had. She should, and she's trying, but between Zelos doing his best to get under her skin and the urgency of Colette's situation, she's not doing terribly well. Her hands go to her hips as she lets out a quiet huff of annoyance. Early as it is, her silhouette's not blocking the sunlight for him, at least. "Seriously? All of us out here would just be asking for trouble," she says, eyebrows raised. "Besides, we'll be spending plenty of time outside once we're on the road."

But-- okay, she didn't come out here to snap at Zelos. She takes a slow breath, turns a little to address Malos as well. "There's been a change of plans. Or-- an addition to them, I guess. I came out here to get you guys so we could talk about it."

WEEPY... THANK

[presidentheartbeat]

Sheena's words are sharp, her entire demeanour and the emotion bleed strung with an annoyed note, and just that is enough for Zelos to catch himself. Fuck, okay, maybe actively trying to rile up his driver just because he's on edge is a stupid, stupid fucking idea, but. He needed a release, okay? Yeah.

At least he feels like he hides the slip-up pretty well, though. Catching the dread in his chest before it can grow back to a boil, Zelos whines out loud, then rises from his spot with all the grace of a spoiled cat interrupted in the act of finding the perfect spot to nap. "Fine, fine," he groans, eyes closed as he leisurely slips his gloves back onto his arms. He quickly opens his eyes again, slips into a genuinely amused scoff through a sharp smirk. "Man, I feel so important if you need my opinion so bad."

This behaviour isn't new to the Aegis. It's a bit of a gamble to see just how much petulance he can get away with in this life, how he fits into the dynamics, how far he can push and how back he will have to bend. Smile, smile! It's a show, it's a dance! Adaptability becomes second nature to a caged bird. So the bird sings, acts, tries to learn the tempo to this new rhythm, to find a way to sing to it without missing a single beat.

He finishes adjusting his gloves, then theatrically gestures to the entrance. Zelos sighs. Mentally bids farewell to the sun and the grass, though he knows they'll be back outside soon, don't be a fucking baby, god. "After you," he smiles.

EATS YOUR PROSE AS WELL, RURI

[ilivedbitches]

"Change of plans, huh?" Malos calls once they're inside. Anna notes he looks somewhat delighted by the notion, as he leans himself up against the kitchen wall waiting for her to answer. (Is that his own excitement, or hers, on his lips? Does it matter?)

"Yeah," Anna says. "We're gonna go save the other Aegis. Colette."

Malos whistles, short and low. "Triet's far from here."

"Yeah, well," Anna says, but doesn't really have to finish. Malos can see the determination on Lloyd's and Sheena's faces well enough himself.

"Hey, I'm with you all the way," Malos tells her, his smirk fond. "Y'think I'd let my daughter go anywhere without her blade?"

Anna grins back, then turns her attention to Zelos. "What do you think, Zelos?" she asks. "If you'd rather-- Mithos is on the way, so..."

SORRY HE'S. /INCREDIBLY/ UNCOOPERATIVE ALWAYS

[presidentheartbeat]

Honestly? The very first thing that Zelos thinks when he hears the new plans is 'what the actual fuck'. He stops by the entrance to the kitchen to lean against the doorframe and crosses his arms, watching Anna and her blade discuss. Hears just how serious Anna sounds, sees the excitement and determination on everyone's faces, feels the ether in the air practically crackle with enthusiasm, and...

They're serious. Completely, thoroughly serious. In all their fucking madness, these idiots are serious.

And then Anna addresses him, all grins and choices and excitement, and...

And that's when Zelos starts to laugh.

It's an incredulous puff of air sneaking its out of his lips at first, then an actual chuckle, something growing from his chest that shakes his shoulders and causes him to lift a gloved hand to hide his face, if only as a physical barrier between him and them all to avoid looking at everyone's expressions right now. He uses it to compose himself. Because, are they fucking serious? They're gonna go steal Sylvarant's fucking Aegis? In the middle of what's absolutely going to turn into a war? What the fuck, these people have a death wish. Do they even understand what they're talking about?

"Okay, okay," he manages to get out through giggles, finally lowering the hand and using it to gesture about aimlessly. He keeps the grin and the 'are you fucking joking' expression on his mask, though. "You're tellin' me... that you wanna go all the fucking way to Sylvarant, to their"--don'tsaycannon--"research facilities, and you wanna steal another Aegis? Did I get that right?"

He's--okay, he's kind of panicking a little, maybe, but it's a lot easier to deal with if he attributes it to the ridiculousness of the whole situation. "Like, okay. You're--you're all so dead-set on this, aren't you." Zelos scoffs, crosses his arms again. There's an air of finality in the room as he makes eye contact with Sheena, and he hates it, but he steels his expression just enough for it to straddle the fine line between amused and serious. "This is what you want?"

[risingfalcon]

The mortification Lloyd felt this morning and grappled with since then disappears in a cloud of righteous anger, the blank look on his face betrayed by the fire in his eyes and the way his lips are pulled back into a severe frown. The idea that Colette is stuck with those cannons and those people keeps the fury from residing, the fact that Zelos had been in the same spot causing it to bubble over and boil, so close to being violent that he has to keep himself from accidentally yelling every time he opens his mouth.

Zelos' laugh is distressed, a finely-tuned mask to hide his panic. Lloyd's familiar with the tone, with the disbelieving and fearful edge to the breaths Zelos takes, familiar with the wide eyes that may look mirthful to untrained viewers, may even seem joke-y. He knows these expressions, knows Zelos' face, knows the masks he has at his disposal. But even before that, Lloyd knows stress, knows panic and worry and trauma, knows how they show themselves in every friend he has. The laughter echoes in his ears, reminding him of his own Zelos when it all came down to bat. Even though Lloyd's still fearful at the idea of talking to this Zelos after his disastrous interaction, the anger pushes him up straight, forces the words out of his mouth before he has a moment to think them through.

"We're freeing Colette," Lloyd states, arms crossed across his chest, eyes narrowed in determination. "We're freeing her and destroying those - weapons. We're going to put an end to this shit. Nobody deserves to have their gifts used against them, and no innocents deserve to suffer at the hands of people who do not give a fuck."

And just like that, his words leave him and he's left crawling back into his shell, the humiliation from earlier rising up past the anger and cutting a straight line through his ability to speak. He's talking a lot of tough shit for someone who couldn't introduce themselves without having a childish episode afterward.

[presidentheartbeat]

Colette.

Colette, Colette, Colette. Just hearing that name makes all of Zelos' anxiety evaporate in a second, the vertigo at the prospect of crossing the border during wartime snapped in half and replaced with something wistful, something dreamlike that sings in his veins. Colette, his mind repeats. It bounces off his core, into his bones, familiar and yet unknown. It's distracting. Yet it also feels like it belongs there, like it's something that so was always there that it's been forgotten has now been found, rediscovered in a new light.

It sets a weight of guilt in Zelos' gut. He shuts his mouth immediately, body withdrawing against the wall slightly and face blanking out as Lloyd continues to speak. It's odd, Zelos thinks. His fervent determination is almost palpable in the air, so sudden and strong that Zelos almost feels the need to pull back and away before he's burned. Quite the contrast to the boy from this morning, but then again, when soaked with our anger we are all strangers even to ourselves.

And that anger... the way it drips onto his words, somehow, helps them not ring as hollow as Zelos knows they probably would. Carried through the sharp tear left behind by Colette's name, they sneak their way into his brain, his core, and for a moment Zelos wonders if he could perhaps give into their whim. If he could play hero, if he could try and put a use to his miserable existence that wasn't simply to destroy, but to better the life of a fellow Aegis like himself. Because whether he likes it or not Zelos has been forced to leave the stage, left Sylvarant's Aegis--left Colette--behind under the spotlight all on her own, at the mercy of human hands and their bloodstained greed.

He's forced to repress a shudder. The idea that he'd be leaving another blade, another Artificial like himself to suffer, just to save himself? Fills him with disgust. Invites anger in like a contagion in the air. So tick-tick-tick-tick, pull-pull-pull-pull, come the cacophonous noises in his core, right over the way Colette's name rings in his ears. It's a battle between duties fought in Zelos' core crystal, one coated in honest craving and the other dripping with acidic anxiety.

As they do war, Zelos levels Lloyd with a blank stare. Colette, Colette, Colette, sing his veins. Zelos pushes himself off the wall as something familiar in his chest pulls him forward.

And within that pull, stumbling out come his words. "Then I want to go to Sylvarant," Zelos says in a mumble, as if he were in a trance, muttered easily as if he were simply releasing a breath. He blinks in their wake, then frowns. They ring true, and he doesn't want to fight them, but somewhere in the decision he remembers to save face. "Don't get me wrong, I still want to see Mithos anyway. We can go meet him halfway. But..." Zelos trails off for dramatics' sake, slowly breaking that frown into a smooth smirk as he shrugs, "I guess paying a visit to two Aegises sounds better than just meeting one. Less stupid, too."

[summonerd]

Sheena winds up against the counter near the sink, half-sitting on it where she can see everyone. She doesn't at all doubt the fact that Zelos would be up for the plan until panic bubbles up in her chest and he trips over his words trying not to mention the cannon. Oh. Oh, shit.

But-- well. Lloyd's always been good at these speeches, at laying things out so that the path forward is clear. She shoots him a soft, encouraging smile after he finishes speaking, grateful. "So it's settled, then," she says, still unable to hide a wince at Zelos's reminder that he wants go to Mithos but not letting it show in her tone, at least. "We're rescuing Colette."

[ilivedbitches]

They seem pretty set, which makes Anna grin. "Alright, guess we should figure out how we're planning on getting there, then!" She slides out of the room to fetch her map of the world, since it's really hard to talk about where they're going without a way to visualize it. She spreads it out on the table-- not that it's a very large map.

She taps Meltokio. "Obviously, we're here," she says. "Mithos is here." She taps his location--neutral territory, not far from the coast. She hums, doing the math. "That's... about a week's journey, on foot, and since we're wanted criminals, there's no way we're going to be able to take a train until we get to Sylvarant."

A train wouldn't do them much good until in Sylvarant, anyway. The only train that crossed the border went through Hima, and that was well out of the way.

"The good news is there's a train station right by Sylvarant's border, not far from where Mithos is. We could take it to Izoold, and there we can try and figure out where exactly Colette is. And if we can't figure that out, we head into Triet."

It's a pretty solid plan, if you ask Anna's opinion. Time-consuming, but it's the best they can ask for.

[theactingdad]

They get on the road. They end up leaving almost immediately. Every hour on the move is an hour closer to saving Colette, an hour less where the Sylvaranti government will have a chance to shove her into the cannon. (Anna tries to talk reassurances about how they've only fired a cannon once in her lifetime, but honestly nothing seems to melt the ice of worry that grips Lloyd and Sheena both. Malos can't blame 'em, though.)

Since they were already on the outskirts of Meltokio, and outside the wall besides, they have no trouble leaving, which is great. They don't even really get any weird looks for the size of their traveling party, so, bonus.

Malos isn't really paying attention, though, not as much as he could be. He's distracted, which usually is Anna's game, not his, but... He hasn't had the chance to talk to her, really talk to her, since Lloyd showed up. In theory, a journey like this is the perfect place to have a conversation, but the kind of converastion Malos wants to have probably isn't one that should be overheard. And as the only two people in this group who actually know know where they're going? Be kind of rude to lag behind to talk.

(And, knowing Anna-- who really does not know how to be anything other than loud-- they'd have to lag pretty far not to be overheard.)

So Malos waits. And, he waits a while, because they travel even into the night (the sooner they get further from Meltokio, the better). Finally, they stop for the night, set up a meager camp, and once a meal and shit is out of the way...

"Anna, hey," Malos says, pulling her to the side.

"Nooo come on, I wanted to watch," Anna protests weakly, as she drags her attention away from Lloyd and Sheena sparring. Malos admits he's kind of disappointed he ain't gonna get to see it, either, but if they're sparring they'll be distracted which means now's the perfect time to hold a conversation he doesn't want anyone to overhear. (Also, like, there will be more spars, right? Come on. They're Irvings.)

"I need to talk to you," Malos says, and his tone makes Anna's sharp play-disappointment turn to ice in his chest.

"Yeah...?" she asks, as he pulls her away from the camp. Not so far as to be suspicious, but far enough that theoretically no one's going to overhear them. (Unfortunately, he's just as loud as Anna is, half the time.)

"It's about Lloyd."

Anna sends a glance back towards camp. "What about him?"

"Our Lloyd," Malos corrects.

He feels Anna dig in her proverbial heels before he sees it, sees the narrow of her eyes and set of her jaw as she turns to him.

"What about him?" she repeats, her tone a little darker.

Malos sighs and crosses his arms over his chest. This is gonna be a rough one, huh? Why is his daughter such a stubborn piece of shit. (Like father like daughter, an echo of Jin laughs in the back of his mind, and Malos firmly tells it to shut the fuck up.)

"We have to find him," Malos says.

Anna raises her eyebrows. "While we're... traveling with an Aegis? On a mission to rescue the other?"

Malos rolls his eyes. "After that."

Anna hesitates. She fucking hesitates. Feeling her hot-headed stubbornness rear its head in his own chest just makes Malos antsy, maybe a little frustrated. (This isn't the first time they've had the argument.)

"Anna," Malos begins.

"It's not safe!" she protests, immediately. "The life we live, now, Malos-- it's not safe for a child!"

"Law school's pretty damn safe!" Malos argues.

"And you think I'm gonna go back there? We're-- once the Aegises are free, and the cannons are destroyed-- the world's probably gonna go to shit!"

"Which is why we should be with Lloyd."

"We'll be wanted criminals, Malos," Anna spits. "Lots of people are going to want us dead, and they'll kill Lloyd along with us--"

"Or--"

"Or worse," Anna says. Her smile gets sharp, something sick sliding along their ether link. "You know what they'd do to blades in the name of scientific fucking research!"

She's right and it's hard not to let the horror choke him when it sits in his chest as well as it does hers. (He's seen the scars on Kratos, anyway, just as well as she has, even if she knows them a little more intimately.) But. But. "Lloyd's not a blade," Malos counters.

"He's not human, either!" Anna shoots back.

Malos shuts his mouth. Turns away. She's right, there, and-- Architect, they probably would do a million and one horrible things to his grandson just to figure out how the fuck he even exists to begin with, because a human fathered by a blade shouldn't have been fucking possible. But that still. He still.

"Don't fucking go anywhere," Malos says, as Anna tries to slink off. "I'm not done, I just need a moment to think."

"Someone's gonna get worried about us!"

"They can shove it up their ass."

Anna scowls but stays put, arms crossed over her chest. (They're almost mirror images, right now, matching scowls and all, and any other time it would make Malos laugh.)

But right now-- right now Malos tries to sort out his thoughts.

The fact that this other Lloyd never even got to meet his mother. The sadness that seems to cling to him, the heaviness, the-- Well, Malos probably shouldn't assume everything that's going on with Lloyd is just that, but. Still. It doesn't sit right with him. For Lloyd to never know his mom, his grandpa, his dad, his-- all of his family. When they're alive and well. He hates that.

"We can't protect him if he's not with us," Malos tries, because maybe that'll make some fucking sense to her.

"If he's with us we'll just be painting a target on his back," Anna protests.

God damn it. She's stubborn as shit and dumber than shit on top of that.

"So? We can deal with that!" Malos presses. "Can't we?"

Anna doesn't answer, right away.

Malos takes the mean thing burning in his gut and lets it out. "So, what? You'd rather just be a coward like Kratos?"

That gets her. A flare of ether in their shared emotion bleed, she drops her hands from her chest as she spins towards him. "Kratos is not a coward!" she spits.

"So then he's braver than you?" Malos says.

Anna looks about ready to punch him. "I'm not being a coward!" she shouts. "I'm just being smart! I just want Lloyd to be safe!"

It makes sense but it's-- Malos still hates it.

"You mean you're OKAY with the fact he's never even going to know who we are!?" he shouts, because he hates that thought the most.

Anna hesitates. Takes a step back.

"...No," she admits. "No, I'm not! But."

"Don't," Malos warns.

"But." Determination burns bright in Anna's eyes. "I'd rather that than some asshole like Kvar getting their hands on him!"

God. Fucking. Damn it.

[risingfalcon]

It turned out that sparring with Sheena was exactly what Lloyd had needed to compose himself again. They kept it friendly, a melee spar with the intention of leaving no lasting bruises but working to get the stressed energy out of their bodies, to lessen the tension in their shoulders. It worked perfectly, left Lloyd feeling the determined adrenaline pumping through his veins, and it's with a large grin that he high fives Sheena, suddenly very glad he thought to wrap his injured knuckles before sparring.

Lloyd takes a look at his hands, at the way they shake after the strain they just took on, at the red that bleeds through his bandages, and thinks, with a frown, that it may be time to replace them. He wouldn't be surprised if the his previously-closed wounds on his knuckles might have reopened while fighting Sheena, but. Still, that was kinda sloppy on his part.

So he stands from by the campfire and looks for Malos, who Lloyd knows is carrying the medical supplies, but he can't spot him. He can't spot Anna either, which is weird, but he takes it in stride, wondering a little further from the campsite, a little deeper into the neck of the forest.

And then he hears voices. Malos and Anna's voices, to be precise. Things seem to be a little more on the argument side, so he's stepping away from behind a tree, deciding it might be best to let them talk out whatever's going on and ask for the bandages later. He'll just wait for them to return to the campsite.

And then Lloyd hears his name and his movement stalls. He stops breathing, enhancing his hearing on instinct, because why are they talking about him?

Malos's voice rises above the din of a forested night. 'You mean you're OKAY with the fact that he's never going to know who we are?!’

Oh. Oh no, oh no no no.

The composure Sheena beat into him falls away like a landslide, shallow and fragile like glass, and his eyes widen as he realizes that they're not talking about him, they're talking about their Lloyd, the one who they haven't.

The one who they haven't seen in five years.

Five fucking years.

Is it a universal constant that Lloyd's parents are never around? That they either die or disappear or just refuse to stick around for him? Because hearing it once sucked, experiencing it twice was worse, but seeing the mom he never got to have hesitate when confronted with the consequences of her abandonment.

It's agonizing. His heart aches so painfully, pins and needles of they never loved you, you were always a disappointment, a burden burning into his soul like the brands Dirk soldered into his creations, like the scorching, furious heat that was left behind by a lightning strike that hit just a little too close to him in the Temple of Lightning.

And then Anna's excusing herself again, and even though Lloyd understands where she's coming from, logically, all he can hear - all he can see -

Goodbye, dad.

I let him go. Is that alright, mom?

He's heard enough.

Tears burning in his eyes, bile rushing to his throat, he quietly sneaks out from behind the trees once more, starts walking towards the campsite. He's heard enough, he's heard enough, he's heard enough.

The confirmation that his fears were well-founded, that he was the reason why Kratos left, and had his mother lived, she probably would have left him too - they feel worse than the broken ribs Kratos’ knee to the abdomen had left him with.

Lloyd is drowning in the weight of his own mind, of the self-contempt he feels draw deep from within his consciousness. He's here for Sheena, to free this Colette, to save this Zelos, and then he'll find his way back home and live his life out alone. He's holding them back, everyone he loves.

You're a burden the shadows of his mind whisper, look at you, can't even handle the truth without breaking.

Lloyd stops in his tracks, leaning his back against a random tree, and swallows a sob. He's being a child. He's throwing a tantrum. He's going to embarrass himself and Sheena and everyone around him. It's no wonder his own parents didn't want him.

His own parents never wanted him. It tastes like poison slipping down his throat, but he takes in the taste anyways because it's easier to digest than the root of the matter, which points to Lloyd Irving being a disgrace.

[theactingdad]

See, the thing about Lloyd is he's a pretty rough ether signature to miss. So Anna doesn't know what she's done when she says those damning fucking words but Malos can take a guess.

Maybe he could try and smooth this out. You don't really mean that, he could say, to offer her a way out. You know you miss him, he could argue, because maybe if she admits that she'll realize she's full of shit.

Or he could just let her face the consequences of her actions.

"Alright," Malos says, and this is mean, but leaving Lloyd alone after hearing all that would be meaner. "Why don't you say that one more time to Lloyd's face. I'm sure he'd just love to it."

Watching all the blood drain from Anna's face should not be as satisfying as it is, but it's pretty damn satisfying.

"Oh no," she whispers, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Oh fuck. Where is he."

[risingfalcon]

Lloyd’s body shakes with the way that he tries to stop himself from breaking down, violent tremors making his way down his spine as he bites his lip so hard he tastes blood. His eyes are clenched shut, his hands over his face, fingers placing tight pressure on his temples, trying so hard to stop being a baby.

He gasps for air, his chest burning with a lack of breath, his heart beating with the suggestion of giving out. The words race through his mind, burning their way on his think track and making him hear them over, and over, and over again. They never wanted him. They never wanted him. They never wanted him.

A sob escapes his lips. He claps his hand back to his mouth, tries to soften the sound of it, but it seems so fucking loud in this quiet forest. With one sob, the dam breaks, and tears leak out of his eyes and down his face, a desperate breath being taken in an attempt to get himself back together, but it doesn’t work. Kratos’ voice haunts him, the way he had gently instructed Lloyd to count to ten seems wrong, now. It seems vicious, taunting, a subtle way to say let me help you, because you can’t help yourself.

Has he read into every interaction wrong? Maybe this is on him. Maybe Kratos was never interested in staying with him, never thought he was a son worth sticking around for. He was detached enough, but Lloyd had thought - he had thought that, maybe -

Doesn’t matter. Anna didn’t want him either, apparently. Neither of his parents ever wanted him. A slightly deranged laugh leaves his mouth, followed by more sobs, by a painful hiccup that uproots the sickness lingering in his bottom stomach. Acid rises to his throat once again, and he stumbles a few feet over, emptying out his stomach.

So this is what he is. Pathetic, really, breaking down by himself in a forest clearing, crying like a fucking child, unable to deal with the truth that he doesn’t really offer any reason to be cared for. He’s Lloyd Irving, the wielder of the Eternal Sword -

he gave it up-

He helped save Sylvarant and Tethe’alla -

the temporary deaths of his friends and family linger in his mind, haunting him, haunting him, the way his sword came up through his uncle’s torso -

He -

He -

What’s the point?

Lloyd scrambles back, falls to his knees, tugging at the grass beneath him, desperate to have some control as he breaks, so fucking disgusted with being in his own body that the violent anger from this morning is back, running itself through his veins and into his head, a pulsing cycle of leave before you fuck this up. It’s no wonder why his parents never wanted him, look at how much fucking good he’s done!

A branch snaps not that far from where he is. Lloyd can barely bring himself to attention, but he stands, swaying. He doesn’t have his swords on him, had left those back at the campsite, and he doubts he’d be able to fight like this anyways, not with the way the landscape blurs, not with the way he can’t think straight. Maybe he should just embrace the angel powers, but if he dies, he’d rather die a pathetic shell of his former self than one who had lost its humanity.

And then Anna steps out of the shadows, and Lloyd thinks that he’d rather be dead.

GREAT EVERYTHING IS PERFECT

[ilivedbitches]

Anna hesitates before she moves, trying to wrestle with the crystalizing guilt and dread in her stomach. She can't. Think. "What- how much do you think he...?" she begins, looking to Malos for a rescue.

Malos' answer is sharp, just-short of angry. "Enough," he says, and he doesn't need to say any more to convey the rest of what he means. Architect above, she really did basically just essentially say to Lloyd's face she didn't even want him around, huh? Great! (ABSOLUTELY NOT GREAT EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE)

"Fuck," Anna says, and, "Okay!" Anna says and she. Moves. She's not sure how she's going to fix it but she's got to do. Something. It's not like-- It's not like...!

(Yeah it kind of is, though, isn't it? Losing track of him-- being unable to see him because of circumstances you can't control-- dying before your time-- Those suck but they're so much different than actively making the choice to leave your son behind.

She's a fucking idiot.)

It's not hard to find Lloyd, but Anna isn't honestly sure if she prefers that. He's-- The sight makes her vision swim, makes her feel sick to her stomach. He's so full of pain and anger and despair and-- What has she done. What has she done!?

(Would her Lloyd... would he hate her for this, too?

Is his safety really worth that price?)

"I- fuck," Anna says, not sure what else to say. She presses her hand to her eyes for a second as she tries to get a hold of-- anything. Her eyes are hot and there's a pressure in her chest. Where does she start? Where does she fucking START?

She is just a goddamn coward, isn't she.

"Lloyd..." she begins, starting to reach out to him, then thinking better of it. He looks like he doesn't want anything to do with her. "I'm..."

Her legs are weak. She gives up and just plops herself on the ground, buries her face in her hands.

"Malos is right," she says, with a bitter laugh. "I'm full of shit. And a goddamn idiot." It's-- hard to peg down exactly what to say, but, fuck, these are words she was going to have to say to her Lloyd eventually. Better figure them out now. (And he deserves that from her, doesn't he?) "I'm. Anything I'm gonna say at this point is just gonna sound selfish as hell, huh?" She laughs again. Bitter bitter bitterness is thick on her tongue.

"I guess I'm just scared," she whispers. "Scared of something happening to him. Scared of messing it up. ...But that's not an excuse."

[LLOYD VOICE] THIS IS FINE

[risingfalcon]

Even with all of the negative emotions that take control of Lloyd's mind, that lead him down a slide into the freezing waters of dread and leave him with a desperate need to keep distance, a part of Lloyd wants to pull Anna into a hug and comfort her, the same kind of hug they had only last night, when she first met him.

(Rather, when he first met her. She knows her own Lloyd, but Lloyd only has fleeting touches to remember his own Anna with.)

But what kind of comfort could Lloyd really offer? He's wrestling with his own thoughts, the same thoughts that keep his words trapped in his throat, that snicker and prod at him, at his weak walls and the threadbare armor he's strapped around his heart. He hates this situation, hates the fact that he was caught, hates himself for being so fucking terrible at putting up masks and saving others the trouble of dealing with his own shattered self.

It's not Anna's fault her son is a burden. It's not her fault.

But.

Past the accepting sadness, past the grief and the pain, anger rushes back into his blood, eating at the shadows that linger in his mind, and Lloyd reaches out to it, the fury familiar and reliable. He doesn't lash out - would not be able to lash out at his mother, just like he was truly never able to lash out at his father, never let him know exactly what he thought, because. Lloyd understands. It's easier to not face the failure he is rather than live with him.

But the anger is what allows Lloyd to stand straight, what allows him to swallow back the bitter taste in his mouth and keep his face mostly blank. Because he understands why his parents never wanted him, but it's fucking cruel that he has to keep facing them, that he has to meet them and re-meet them and watch them leave again and again. If he's not going to be given parents that love him, is the constant taunting necessary?

Anna speaks, and Lloyd feels guilt leak into his anger, slowly turning it from anger at the situations he lands in into anger at himself. Really, he shouldn't be this affected, knew from the start this isn't his mother, that - well, even if she was, who's to say she would have wanted to stick around? And she's got points, reasons to not stick with her son. He'd slow her down, he'd keep her in an unsafe position.

But, by Goddesses does it hurt.

He averts his eyes. Licks at his lips, ignoring the way the dried blood on his lip tastes metallic on his tongue, and opens his mouth.

"No, it's fine. I get it. I don't blame you, either," and he laughs, bitter and low. The stars shine bright tonight. "I've known for a while that I held you guys back.

Re: [LLOYD VOICE] THIS IS FINE

[ilivedbitches]

Anna's head snaps up in confusion.

"Held us b-- Lloyd that's not even close to anything I just--"

Confusion sharpens into white hot anger as the implications if what he just said, of what got him into a position to believe such a thing really, really hit her.

"Who. the FUCK. told you you were a burden."

[risingfalcon]

"Nobody did," Lloyd says, and it's the truth. Nobody has ever called him a burden to his face. But the dots that link Lloyd and his Kratos, this world's version of Lloyd to his Anna, they connect, painting a pattern of willingness to leave him. "I'm just not fucking blind, Anna."

Okay, maybe his tone is a little harsh. He crosses his arms, exhales deep, and shuts his eyes. They burn, still, the tears fresh in his eyes, but he wills them away best he can. He can take it. He's taken worse.

"It's fine, I get it. Honestly, I understand," he continues, and his chest aches with the frustration that underlies his voice, but he pushes the words out anyways. "You don't have to explain yourself. Once we free Colette and Zelos and get them to Mithos' tower, Sheena and I will leave and you can forget about all of this."

anna please stop avoiding the actual issue here

[ilivedbitches]

"I'm just not fucking blind, Anna."

It's like a punch to her gut. He sounds so fucking sad and so fucking certain and Anna-- Anna hates that this is where they are, right now, hates grappling with the guilt and despair in her stomach becuase that isn't fair, Lloyd, that isn't fair, of course she wants you here--

(But you never said that to him, did you, Anna?)

"That's not- what I--" She tries to stammer, because it's not as easy as just forgetting he ever showed up in her life, she's only known him like a day but he's her son and--

Anger boils over. She curls her hand into a fist and slams it against her thigh, hard, because she needs some kind of outlet. She growls short and sharp. (There's a flare of alarm from Malos but he can fucking deal.) The stinging pain grounds her, a little, and--

Pieces slot together, in her head. She knows this Lloyd's mother is dead. Which means there's only one parent left.

"Was it Kratos?" she whispers, with more fury than she honestly expected to muster because hating Kratos is a foreign thing on her tongue. She looks up to meet Lloyd's eyes, cutting him off before he has the chance to deflect. "I'm not fucking stupid, Lloyd. What did Kratos do?"

don't worry she will face the Consequences of her actions

[risingfalcon]

Lloyd flinches at the direct way Anna demands answers, tilting his head away instinctively. The drop of his father's name does nothing to soften the blow, only working as a way exacerbate his pulse. How does he even begin to explain to Anna Kratos' actions without going into everything else that had happened to them, that Lloyd had gone through, that Kratos had indirectly and directly contributed to -

He can't. For as much as Lloyd wants to yell, wants to cry that he tried to be a good son for the time he had known Kratos was his father, that maybe he wanted him to stay, his thoughts won't let him. Lloyd let Kratos go because Kratos found no reason worth sticking around, and Lloyd can't begrudge him that.

So he sticks with the truth, covers it in vagueness and unclarity, and gives Anna what she needs to know, nothing else.

"He left," he starts, and he hates the way his voice cracks but he clears his throat, bites at his lip, and continues. "I hadn't - I was raised by a dwarf named Dirk, had no idea Kratos was alive, and... I met him when I was seventeen, we journeyed together, but I had no idea he was my father. Didn't know until a few weeks before he. Before he left, again."

It's an empty sort of pain that settles itself in Lloyd's gut. He hasn't had to explain Kratos' absence since Kratos left, because everyone around him knew, just. Knew. And talking about it out loud fucking sucks, the tears he had held back returning with a vengeance. Lloyd lets out a wet scoff, glancing back at Anna with a grim smile.

"You're not the first parent that's left me."

SHE IS

[ilivedbitches]

"Mother fucking, that son of a--" she begins, confusion and anger roiling in her because that doesn't make any sense, why would Kratos, how could Kratos--

It doesn't matter.

She did the same, didn't she?

"Look," she says. "It's not like I--" Stop that, stop that, it changes nothing. She sighs. Bitterness and guilt are like a swirling storm in her chest but she needs to stop fucking getting defensive. She fucked up, too. "I guess. I guess actively choosing to not search for him after we got separated counts the sames as leaving, huh," she whispers. (Except her Lloyd's not-- wasn't really-- old enough to realize it was happening. But that's... probably worse.)

"I get it. I fucked up." Anna clenches her hands into fists, presses them against her knees. She looks up at Lloyd, tears falling freely, lips trembling. "I'm sorry," she says. "I'll- I'll try and fix it. I will. I can't-- I can't do anything, not now, not until Zelos and Colette are safe, but... When this is over. I'll try and find him."

It's all she can really offer.

Well... that and maybe one more thing.

"Please, please know I didn't do it because I didn't want you around. I just thought it would be safer. Which-- probably was a bad call. Doesn't matter if he was safer, what matters is he should be with me. I realize that now. I'm sorry."

[risingfalcon]

Lloyd sighs, wiping away at the tears that trail down his cheeks, and shuts his eyes tight. Breathe in, breathe out. This world's Lloyd will get the family he always wanted, Dirk, his adoptive father, the one who taught him almost everything he knows, Anna, Malos - he's. He's gonna be happy.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Lloyd takes a few steps towards Anna, the moonlight reflecting dimly on her face. She's crying, he knew she was crying from the sound of her voice, from her shaky tone, but. Guilt rushes into his mind anyway, because he was the one who made her cry, who makes their mother cry? Dark satisfaction lingers in his heart, though, satisfied over an apology he never knew he wanted, one he doesn't deserve, and Lloyd hates it, hates how he chokes on the bitter taste.

Breathe in, breathe out.

He reaches out a hand to her. Ignores the fact that a part of him wants so badly to believe her, that Lloyd is worth sticking around for, ignores the whispers of goodbye, dad that so haunt him. Ignores the awareness that Anna had reasons for leaving this Lloyd behind, but Kratos could have easily stayed without risk if he had only wanted to.

Breathe in, breathe out.

"Iselia," Lloyd says, voice just slightly above a whisper. "If your Lloyd is reflected in this world like I think he is, he's in Iselia." And then he pauses, averting his eyes to the ground, gaining the last of his courage before he knows he'll shut down. And then he looks back at Anna, keeping eye contact.

"Please, keep your promise and find him. You gotta - you gotta go home, mom."

Breathe in, breathe out.